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[ Ishkode took a while to make this post but... he's having a crisis and he needs to do something. Somehow. In his fretting, he's completely forgotten to maybe close it off from the people he's talking about. Feel free to answer him back anonymously or not, whatever your character would be likely to do! All of his responses will stay anon, though. ]

Hey, Ellipsa, I need some advice.

Since I got here, I met a lot of fantastic people.

I totally fell head over heels for one of them and, somehow I lucked out, cause they fell for me right back and we're dating now. I'm crazy about them! We click like I've never clicked with anybody. They just get where I'm coming from and understand me. It's like we're on the same wavelength whether it's serious stuff or being a couple of gremlins. They're amazing and wonderful and funny and sweet and beautiful and... well, you get the idea. I could gush forever. I've never felt this way for anybody before!

Can you feel the 'but'..? Cause there's a 'but'...

I also have a friend. The best and most amazing friend I've ever had. They've been there for me in so many ways, since day one of my being here no less. They helped me get settled and started here. They've been there for the highs and the lows, every time. We've shared some really important things with each other and I trust them with my life. They're amazing and wonderful and funny and sweet and gorgeous and... yeah.

Are you seeing the pattern here?

I know what being poly is. I understand how that's supposed to work in theory.

But how in the hell do you put that into practice?

How do I bring this up with either of them? Should I even try? The chances of me screwing up and ruining everything are probably sky high? Would it be better to just try to make the feelings go away? I don't think I can. And I'm pretty sure my bestie has feelings for me, too. I'm really bad at hiding my own, it turns out. So they've gotta be wondering about me.

I just don't know where to even start? I'd be the first guy to say 'talk to them' but, man... being the one on this side of everything, now, all I can think is:

How the fuck do I even do that?!

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It's less of a challenge then you think, so long as jealousy isn't a big factor. The hardest thing I've found is scheduling.

But it does require pretty open communication, so if you can't talk about it then you probably can't do it.

[His brother had this kind of problem--lots of gods do. Makes him qualified to weigh in!]

give one kiss a day.
both of them
one kiss a day.
dont forget.
you forget and the trouble starts.

I know jealousy won't be a problem in one case. At least... I'm pretty sure about it.

The subject hasn't come up at all with my partner. We're both pretty new to this stuff.

It's not that I can't talk about it? It's that I can't figure out how to even really start?

I could face down a dude twice my size and punch his face in without flinching but this?? I'm scared as hell to just fuck it all up. I already got stupid lucky once. What's the chances of it happening again?

I wish I knew too, actually. I wanna ask a lot of people to date, but also sometimes some people have just wanted to be the only one, and I can't do that to them.

The chances are probably greater than you think.

Look, here's what I'd do: talk to your partner first, explain to them that you adore them and want to make them happy and admit that you might be catching feelings for your friend and you wanted to talk to them about it because you want to be honest with them. Definitely don't talk to the friend first or you'll both get your hopes up.

Truly, if your partner takes you being honest that badly then there was already a problem between you, it just wasn't in the open yet.

Your partner might say yes to you exploring other relationships. They might say no, and you'll have a decision to make. But not talking about it won't make the dilemma any less intrusive in your life, and eventually everyone will be miserable, they just won't know why.

Okay first of all — breathe. You are not about to single-handedly implode the universe.

You’re not screwing up just because you feel something. Feelings aren’t crimes. They’re information.

And from the way you talk about both of them? You care. A lot. That already tells me you’re not some reckless idiot about to torch everything.

You won’t “totally screw up” just by being honest.

Start small. “Hey, can I talk to you about something kind of vulnerable?” You don’t have to have all the answers. You just have to be real.

You’ve got this. And even if it’s messy? Messy doesn’t mean doomed. 💛

[ He appreciates seeing Leshy weigh in but also... ]

Uhh... I mean, that's good advice, yeah. To make sure you don't ignore somebody or make them feel left out.

But I kinda think there should be some talking going on in there somewhere?

[OH RIGHT THAT THING. THE...COMMUNICATION THING. Leshy has only been invited not the inviter.]

summon them to a marriage ceremony.
or a tent.
or a fight pit.
and be clear what you mean when you say fight pit or tent.

That's rough, buddy.

I mean, I kinda know how you feel. I'm going through something similar and I don't know if we should talk to the person I have feelings for. I don't want to ruin anything or everything. And things are good as they are. Part of me wonders if I'm being selfish thinking of saying something, you know?

Do you feel the same way?

Yeah, me neither. I'd never ask somebody into anything like this if they wanted to be monogamous. I don't wanna hurt anybody. I honestly just wanna... take care of and protect both of them so much.

I think the start of what the fuck you even do is breathe.

Step two is ask yourself a couple of things.

1) Which feels like the worse outcome to you? You say nothing and a chance at a deeper relationship with your bestie passes you by or you say something and either one of them says yes or no. And with poly stuff, everyone needs to say yes and be on the same page.

2) If one of them says no, how would you feel? What would be your gut reaction?

and 3) Do you have a bed big enough for all three of you in case it ends up going in a full reciprocal situation. If you just have them both and neither of them are attracted to each other, but both are fine with it, then you don't need a big bed enough for three. Just two. Very much a; 'This is Tom and this is Tom's boyfriend Brad situation.

[ Excuse the turtle while he has a momentary heart attack and panic at seeing Zoey's username. He thought he hid it from her and MK!! Okay okay don't panic!! Just read what she said. She doesn't know it's him so he hasn't gone and fucked up already. ]

I do care. Like... more than I ever thought I could, y'know? Both of them have changed my life completely and for the better. In every single way. I'm so ridiculously grateful for both of them. Might be dramatic but it feels like one of those 'I'd rather lose a limb than hurt either of them' sort of things.

... I could try that. I've had some pretty vulnerable moments with both of them, now, and they've both stood by me through them.

If it were you in a situation like this, would you wanna talk about this kind of thing face to face? I have a feeling that's probably the best way but... I'd be lying if I said I ain't scared as heck over it.

Yeah... yeah, you kind of hit it dead on, there.

It's hard cause, like... my partner and I are happy. Ridiculously so, even? She tells me that all the time. And I say it back all the time, too. We're both so happy together!

And things with my bestie are good, too! We hang out and have fun together. We talk about stuff super easily. We can go from serious to silly to anything else. And he's been there for me through thick and thin.

I've already got it so good, just as it is... do I even have any right to ask for more? Like... how ungrateful and selfish is it to go 'yeah, nah, I want more than this'? I barely deserve what I've already been given.

I feel like the simplest solution is probably the best one, right? Maybe you can ask them what they think of having more than one person with them first.

I mean... the worst outcome would be totally fucking it and losing both of them. I'm honestly sitting in the 'I'd rather lose the chance than lose THEM' boat right now, y'know?

Out of the ones you just said... if it wouldn't ruin things just to ask, I'd rather know. I was like that with my partner when I confessed how I felt and asked her out. I'd be perfectly happy with things staying this way if either of them wanted it to stay that way? Which goes right back around to 'then why the hell am I asking for more than that?'

Can you see how it kinda turns into a spiral?

If either one of them said no, I'd take it just like it is. I'd accept it and go forward from there. I really would do anything for either of them. I just want them to be happy.

Uhhh... that might be getting a little ahead of things. And also, I doubt it'd go that way. They don't really know each other that well? We don't hang out as a group.

... not gonna lie... that'd be the best thing to ever, though, if it was possible...

That's what I keep thinking too. Is it selfish though? To want to be closer? Maybe it is if it puts other relationships at risk. Because that's not what I would want. Sounds like it definitely isn't what you would want either.

Asking a question, posing a possibility, should never end a relationship. Not when it's a question about love and in the spirit of open communication.

Talking, which can be hard, but doing so likely won't end anything if you are as close as you feel you are. They should answer back. Are they open? How do they feel? Are they willing to see if they feel anything for each other, are they good just being friends and sharing you?

That sort of stuff. I share a man with several others. I love him to pieces. And I am okay with it because I also know myself. And I am a huge slut. I love sex. The man I love doesn't have a libido to match mine. So we talked about relationships, statuses, and open sex.

And we came to an agreement that works for us both and all of his other partners too.

They handled me being honest before really well. Like... she told me she was grateful I trusted her that way and that I always can be. So I don't think there's a problem between us with that part of things? We've talked about some pretty serious stuff and feelings before.

Just not... these kinds of feelings.

I guess I'm just being a big scaredy cat, when it comes down to it. This whole thing feels huge and more than a little terrifying.

I'm really scared to lose one or both of them.

[ Well, now that he's choked on his drink at 'marriage'. THANKS LESHY! ]

Marriage?!
Fight pit?!

Uhhhhhh... okay, I think you're kinda getting ahead of things. I'm still back at the 'wanna talk about how I feel' part of things, not the 'get married' part! And I don't wanna fight either of them!

Well, okay... not seriously. They're both super good at it, though, so I'd like to learn how from them...

Everyone who ever had a conversation like the one you're considering has been terrified. You just start talking, listen to the responses, and hope for the best. The listening is important.

I know that I'm not huge on "how to make this less terrifying" advice because there really isn't any. You just do it anyway because you care about and respect them and because it needs to be done.

If there was a way to do this without it being scary I'd have had it nailed down long before now, trust me.

But if it helps, it gets easier. Those scary conversations feel a lot less life-ruining as you get good at them. Or better, at least.

I've been trying to figure out how to even... start talking about the whole thing. I do wanna be honest but...

I'm really bad with words, sometimes. I'm afraid I'll say everything really stupidly and hurt somebody.

I wouldn't risk either of them for all the world.

But that's also kind of what got me here in the first place.

I already knew, without a doubt, that I want to share anything and everything with my partner. That I wanna love her and take care of her and protect her and help make her happy as much as I possibly can.

And then some stuff happened and I realized... I wanna give all that to my bestie, too. To share everything and anything and take care of and protect him and... love him, too, I think.

That's so sweet and soft.

For the people I care for most, for my friend, I feel the same. They are so happy. I can't risk putting any of that at risk. I just, I can't.

I'd rather take the hit and just be quiet. Let him be happy and know what I have, I should feel is good enough.

I hope it isn't that way for you. I do hope you talk to your girlfriend and she tells you she's okay with it. And who knows? Maybe she's hoping you'll bring up the topic too? You never know with this place how relationships and them being open or not are gonna go. Ellipsa is crazy like that.

I know that, on my end, they're both the most important and closest people in my life. I'm always honest with both of them and they know more about me than anyone else does. Or ever has, honestly.

Well, uh... my bestie already has more than one partner so I know he's probably open. My girlfriend is just as new to all this as I am, though. I don't know if she's even thought about anything like this before. It's never come up?

There's a lot of 'I dunno' floating around in the situation... maybe that's why it feels so damned scary.

Probably. There isn't much scarier than the unknown. The I dunno answer opens our brains up to imagine the worst results ever. And our brain are so very good at doing that.

If you like, I could perform a ceremony with each of them and you and you can be bound through marriage.

It sounds like you're good at it right now, though. You're making sense to me.

Echoing the above to talk to them.

If you get nervous about doing that, then write out your feelings in full and what you would want to say. It might help form words when you do talk in person. If you get nervous, bring a script.

[ Somewhere out there Ishkode just stared at his phone, turned into a tomato and yelled "WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SAYING MARRIAGE?!" at it. ]

Uhhhhhhh, I think I kind of need to do the TALKING part WAY before we get into anything like that?!

My bestie doesn't even know how I feel yet!

That certainly a tangle you got there.

Wish I had some advice on how to start unknotting that for you, but if you do go through with it.

All I can say is as someone who started dating someone who was already in several other relationships, and was worried about how I would fit in make sure the guy you're already with knows just how much you care. Like sure, you're already in a relationship so they should already know that but a bit of reassurance goes a long way.

Oh... oh, actually, that's a really good idea!

I've been writing about it in my journal for a while now, to try and figure out what I've been feeling but... maybe that could help with things, too. To sort my thoughts a bit better.

I'm pretty bad with words so that's part of what scares me. That I'll just say things really badly and screw it all up, y'know?

Yeah, that's kind of why I'm a mess. I never thought I'd find somebody who could feel anything like this for me, or me for them, and now I'm just... lost.

Oh... yeah, that's actually another complication to this. My bestie actually has other partners. Some really devoted ones, at that. Do I even have any right to try and push my way into that? I know one of his partners but it's kind of like 'vague acquaintance' type thing. I haven't met any of the others at all. It feels like I'm... intruding, y'know? Big time.

Honestly, I kinda had a feeling there wasn't really any 'this is how you make it less scary' advice... There really isn't when there's important stuff you gotta do. It's usually just 'put on your big boy pants and do it scared'.

I kinda hate that but that's just how life goes.

I feel like I haven't got any good words on how to say what it is that's in my head and my heart. Starting a conversation is hard as hell when you aren't even sure what words to use for it? I'm always gonna be honest with them, both of them, but I'd like to not completely eat my own foot right up to the hip when I do, y'know?

[ Aww shoot this was meant to be an anon reply, oh well he's outed himself now, so he stays logged in as he continues. ]

Ah now that I can relate too. What in the world could I offer him when he already had four people who made him happy and I hadn't even figured myself out?

Turns out I just had to offer myself.

At least you haven't got to a mutual friend to ask for some advice only to find out that friend was one of the boyfriends.

That was embarrassing.

Hahaha, I'm kidding. It is common in my lands for those who love one another to come to me for a ceremony.

It sounds like you already know what you need to do though. Talk with each of them. Perhaps all together?

Yeah, I know. You're not wrong.

I'm not sure if this will help you, but it helped me the first time I had to have a scary-ass conversation about feelings. I wrote everything down first. I didn't try to make it pretty since it was never for anyone's eyes but mine, but I just vomited up all my feelings on paper. Then I read it and organized it in my head with vaguely where I wanted to start.

The conversation didn't go quite as planned from there but at least I knew where to begin. And I had an idea of what I wanted to say, even if it didn't come out all neat and tidy and in order.

I have been journaling about the stuff going on in my head over the past couple of months. It's all over the place and a hell of a mess but... going back and reading through it. Writing it all through again... That might help a lot, actually.

It can't hurt, anyways.

I know I can talk to both of them about anything. They've both said it and have already proven they mean it cause they didn't freak out over anything. I just... I wish I was as good with words as I was with punching and dancing. I know how to do those two things really good. Talking about feelings? Not so much...

When I can take my time to type things out, I'm a little better at it?

Face to face, though, I just kinda trip on my own tongue a lot.

And I wouldn't talk about something this important through text, y'know?

Hm... then what if you write it up beforehand and then say it? Like memorizing lines!

That sounds familiar... I'm pretty much in the same boat.

My bestie actually already has partners. Long standing ones at that. He's got all these people who love him and he's happy. I wouldn't put any of that at risk for anything, y'know?

So like... what right do I even have to intrude on that? I've already got it so good as it is... I shouldn't ask for anything more than that. It's not like I have anything on offer that he hasn't already got or even better than.

I dunno. A lot of the time, when I really think about it, I just feel selfish and greedy.

Yeah...

Add in the fact that when I fell for my first 'best friend' it went... really really super fucking bad...

I trust my bestie way more but... still sitting there in the back of my head making things difficult.

I'm definitely not anywhere near ready for that kind of step! My girlfriend and I have only been together for a few months!

I dunno... They don't know each other very well? We've never hung out as a group before, even. I wouldn't want to put them on the spot like that. Like... if one of them said yes but the other wanted to say no, they might say yes cause they feel like they have to? Cause everybody else is? I don't wanna pressure anybody... I wouldn't do that to them for anything.

[ Somewhere, Ishkode is looking back at the thread with Macaque up there and going '... this is why I asked anonymously...' ]

That's pretty much exactly where I am. And even just offering myself... doesn't feel like much. His partners are all powerful and skilled and all kinds of cool things. I'm just a guy. I didn't have anything cool about me till I came here and got Seasonal powers. And even then, I barely know how to use them. I don't have a lot going for me.

Oh, geez. That sounds rough! But it sounds like it worked out for you in the end, yeah? Since you guys are dating now?

Hey. Don't say that about yourself. If he has other partners, I'm sure he'd be super happy to add you too. Especially if he has feelings for you too. Which, I guess, you won't know until you say something. Which is really the scary part.

I know my friend hasn't had things the easiest. With people or his past. And I don't want to put his newfound happiness at risk. Sounds like it is a little different too, even if it's similar.

But you aren't being selfish and greedy for wanting to let someone know how deeply you care about them.

Good, definitely do that. And embrace and accept that it's probably going to be messy when it comes out. Feelings are messy, and most people can understand that.

You weren't born knowing how to fight or dance, they took practice. Having these conversations is like anything else, you get better at it the more you do it. That's been my experience anyway.

That is a fair enough time together in accordance to how things work in my land.

Then together is not a good idea just yet. It sounds that it would be better for each of them to know your feelings and concerns about it, since you do not wish to pressure anyone. Especially not these people that you care so deeply about.

Okay, first of all? The “I’d rather lose a limb than hurt them” thing? That’s not dramatic. That’s just… really big feelings 💛

And honestly? It’s kind of beautiful that you care that much 🥹✨

The fact that they’ve stood by you during vulnerable moments already? That’s huge. That’s not casual. That’s real trust 🤍

As for the face-to-face thing…
If it were me? Yeah. I’d want to talk about it in person.

Not because texting isn’t valid — it totally is — but because stuff like this deserves to breathe. You get tone. You get eye contact. You get that tiny shift in someone’s expression when they realize how much they matter to you 🫶

And yeah. It’s scary as heck. Of course it is 😅 When you care that deeply, it feels like you’re handing someone your pulse and hoping they don’t squeeze too hard.

If they’ve already shown up for you in hard moments? Odds are they’re not going to suddenly disappear because you were honest 🤞💕

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