ellipsanet | [ Text | ANONYMOUS POST ]

Entry tags:

[ Text | ANONYMOUS POST ]

[ Ishkode took a while to make this post but... he's having a crisis and he needs to do something. Somehow. In his fretting, he's completely forgotten to maybe close it off from the people he's talking about. Feel free to answer him back anonymously or not, whatever your character would be likely to do! All of his responses will stay anon, though. ]

Hey, Ellipsa, I need some advice.

Since I got here, I met a lot of fantastic people.

I totally fell head over heels for one of them and, somehow I lucked out, cause they fell for me right back and we're dating now. I'm crazy about them! We click like I've never clicked with anybody. They just get where I'm coming from and understand me. It's like we're on the same wavelength whether it's serious stuff or being a couple of gremlins. They're amazing and wonderful and funny and sweet and beautiful and... well, you get the idea. I could gush forever. I've never felt this way for anybody before!

Can you feel the 'but'..? Cause there's a 'but'...

I also have a friend. The best and most amazing friend I've ever had. They've been there for me in so many ways, since day one of my being here no less. They helped me get settled and started here. They've been there for the highs and the lows, every time. We've shared some really important things with each other and I trust them with my life. They're amazing and wonderful and funny and sweet and gorgeous and... yeah.

Are you seeing the pattern here?

I know what being poly is. I understand how that's supposed to work in theory.

But how in the hell do you put that into practice?

How do I bring this up with either of them? Should I even try? The chances of me screwing up and ruining everything are probably sky high? Would it be better to just try to make the feelings go away? I don't think I can. And I'm pretty sure my bestie has feelings for me, too. I'm really bad at hiding my own, it turns out. So they've gotta be wondering about me.

I just don't know where to even start? I'd be the first guy to say 'talk to them' but, man... being the one on this side of everything, now, all I can think is:

How the fuck do I even do that?!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's less of a challenge then you think, so long as jealousy isn't a big factor. The hardest thing I've found is scheduling.

But it does require pretty open communication, so if you can't talk about it then you probably can't do it.

I know jealousy won't be a problem in one case. At least... I'm pretty sure about it.

The subject hasn't come up at all with my partner. We're both pretty new to this stuff.

It's not that I can't talk about it? It's that I can't figure out how to even really start?

I could face down a dude twice my size and punch his face in without flinching but this?? I'm scared as hell to just fuck it all up. I already got stupid lucky once. What's the chances of it happening again?

The chances are probably greater than you think.

Look, here's what I'd do: talk to your partner first, explain to them that you adore them and want to make them happy and admit that you might be catching feelings for your friend and you wanted to talk to them about it because you want to be honest with them. Definitely don't talk to the friend first or you'll both get your hopes up.

Truly, if your partner takes you being honest that badly then there was already a problem between you, it just wasn't in the open yet.

Your partner might say yes to you exploring other relationships. They might say no, and you'll have a decision to make. But not talking about it won't make the dilemma any less intrusive in your life, and eventually everyone will be miserable, they just won't know why.

They handled me being honest before really well. Like... she told me she was grateful I trusted her that way and that I always can be. So I don't think there's a problem between us with that part of things? We've talked about some pretty serious stuff and feelings before.

Just not... these kinds of feelings.

I guess I'm just being a big scaredy cat, when it comes down to it. This whole thing feels huge and more than a little terrifying.

I'm really scared to lose one or both of them.

Everyone who ever had a conversation like the one you're considering has been terrified. You just start talking, listen to the responses, and hope for the best. The listening is important.

I know that I'm not huge on "how to make this less terrifying" advice because there really isn't any. You just do it anyway because you care about and respect them and because it needs to be done.

If there was a way to do this without it being scary I'd have had it nailed down long before now, trust me.

But if it helps, it gets easier. Those scary conversations feel a lot less life-ruining as you get good at them. Or better, at least.

[His brother had this kind of problem--lots of gods do. Makes him qualified to weigh in!]

give one kiss a day.
both of them
one kiss a day.
dont forget.
you forget and the trouble starts.

[ He appreciates seeing Leshy weigh in but also... ]

Uhh... I mean, that's good advice, yeah. To make sure you don't ignore somebody or make them feel left out.

But I kinda think there should be some talking going on in there somewhere?

[OH RIGHT THAT THING. THE...COMMUNICATION THING. Leshy has only been invited not the inviter.]

summon them to a marriage ceremony.
or a tent.
or a fight pit.
and be clear what you mean when you say fight pit or tent.

[ Well, now that he's choked on his drink at 'marriage'. THANKS LESHY! ]

Marriage?!
Fight pit?!

Uhhhhhh... okay, I think you're kinda getting ahead of things. I'm still back at the 'wanna talk about how I feel' part of things, not the 'get married' part! And I don't wanna fight either of them!

Well, okay... not seriously. They're both super good at it, though, so I'd like to learn how from them...

I wish I knew too, actually. I wanna ask a lot of people to date, but also sometimes some people have just wanted to be the only one, and I can't do that to them.

Yeah, me neither. I'd never ask somebody into anything like this if they wanted to be monogamous. I don't wanna hurt anybody. I honestly just wanna... take care of and protect both of them so much.

I feel like the simplest solution is probably the best one, right? Maybe you can ask them what they think of having more than one person with them first.

I've been trying to figure out how to even... start talking about the whole thing. I do wanna be honest but...

I'm really bad with words, sometimes. I'm afraid I'll say everything really stupidly and hurt somebody.

It sounds like you're good at it right now, though. You're making sense to me.

Okay first of all — breathe. You are not about to single-handedly implode the universe.

You’re not screwing up just because you feel something. Feelings aren’t crimes. They’re information.

And from the way you talk about both of them? You care. A lot. That already tells me you’re not some reckless idiot about to torch everything.

You won’t “totally screw up” just by being honest.

Start small. “Hey, can I talk to you about something kind of vulnerable?” You don’t have to have all the answers. You just have to be real.

You’ve got this. And even if it’s messy? Messy doesn’t mean doomed. 💛

[ Excuse the turtle while he has a momentary heart attack and panic at seeing Zoey's username. He thought he hid it from her and MK!! Okay okay don't panic!! Just read what she said. She doesn't know it's him so he hasn't gone and fucked up already. ]

I do care. Like... more than I ever thought I could, y'know? Both of them have changed my life completely and for the better. In every single way. I'm so ridiculously grateful for both of them. Might be dramatic but it feels like one of those 'I'd rather lose a limb than hurt either of them' sort of things.

... I could try that. I've had some pretty vulnerable moments with both of them, now, and they've both stood by me through them.

If it were you in a situation like this, would you wanna talk about this kind of thing face to face? I have a feeling that's probably the best way but... I'd be lying if I said I ain't scared as heck over it.

That's rough, buddy.

I mean, I kinda know how you feel. I'm going through something similar and I don't know if we should talk to the person I have feelings for. I don't want to ruin anything or everything. And things are good as they are. Part of me wonders if I'm being selfish thinking of saying something, you know?

Do you feel the same way?

Yeah... yeah, you kind of hit it dead on, there.

It's hard cause, like... my partner and I are happy. Ridiculously so, even? She tells me that all the time. And I say it back all the time, too. We're both so happy together!

And things with my bestie are good, too! We hang out and have fun together. We talk about stuff super easily. We can go from serious to silly to anything else. And he's been there for me through thick and thin.

I've already got it so good, just as it is... do I even have any right to ask for more? Like... how ungrateful and selfish is it to go 'yeah, nah, I want more than this'? I barely deserve what I've already been given.

That's what I keep thinking too. Is it selfish though? To want to be closer? Maybe it is if it puts other relationships at risk. Because that's not what I would want. Sounds like it definitely isn't what you would want either.

I wouldn't risk either of them for all the world.

But that's also kind of what got me here in the first place.

I already knew, without a doubt, that I want to share anything and everything with my partner. That I wanna love her and take care of her and protect her and help make her happy as much as I possibly can.

And then some stuff happened and I realized... I wanna give all that to my bestie, too. To share everything and anything and take care of and protect him and... love him, too, I think.

That's so sweet and soft.

For the people I care for most, for my friend, I feel the same. They are so happy. I can't risk putting any of that at risk. I just, I can't.

I'd rather take the hit and just be quiet. Let him be happy and know what I have, I should feel is good enough.

I hope it isn't that way for you. I do hope you talk to your girlfriend and she tells you she's okay with it. And who knows? Maybe she's hoping you'll bring up the topic too? You never know with this place how relationships and them being open or not are gonna go. Ellipsa is crazy like that.

I think the start of what the fuck you even do is breathe.

Step two is ask yourself a couple of things.

1) Which feels like the worse outcome to you? You say nothing and a chance at a deeper relationship with your bestie passes you by or you say something and either one of them says yes or no. And with poly stuff, everyone needs to say yes and be on the same page.

2) If one of them says no, how would you feel? What would be your gut reaction?

and 3) Do you have a bed big enough for all three of you in case it ends up going in a full reciprocal situation. If you just have them both and neither of them are attracted to each other, but both are fine with it, then you don't need a big bed enough for three. Just two. Very much a; 'This is Tom and this is Tom's boyfriend Brad situation.

I mean... the worst outcome would be totally fucking it and losing both of them. I'm honestly sitting in the 'I'd rather lose the chance than lose THEM' boat right now, y'know?

Out of the ones you just said... if it wouldn't ruin things just to ask, I'd rather know. I was like that with my partner when I confessed how I felt and asked her out. I'd be perfectly happy with things staying this way if either of them wanted it to stay that way? Which goes right back around to 'then why the hell am I asking for more than that?'

Can you see how it kinda turns into a spiral?

If either one of them said no, I'd take it just like it is. I'd accept it and go forward from there. I really would do anything for either of them. I just want them to be happy.

Uhhh... that might be getting a little ahead of things. And also, I doubt it'd go that way. They don't really know each other that well? We don't hang out as a group.

... not gonna lie... that'd be the best thing to ever, though, if it was possible...

Asking a question, posing a possibility, should never end a relationship. Not when it's a question about love and in the spirit of open communication.

Talking, which can be hard, but doing so likely won't end anything if you are as close as you feel you are. They should answer back. Are they open? How do they feel? Are they willing to see if they feel anything for each other, are they good just being friends and sharing you?

That sort of stuff. I share a man with several others. I love him to pieces. And I am okay with it because I also know myself. And I am a huge slut. I love sex. The man I love doesn't have a libido to match mine. So we talked about relationships, statuses, and open sex.

And we came to an agreement that works for us both and all of his other partners too.

I know that, on my end, they're both the most important and closest people in my life. I'm always honest with both of them and they know more about me than anyone else does. Or ever has, honestly.

Well, uh... my bestie already has more than one partner so I know he's probably open. My girlfriend is just as new to all this as I am, though. I don't know if she's even thought about anything like this before. It's never come up?

There's a lot of 'I dunno' floating around in the situation... maybe that's why it feels so damned scary.

Probably. There isn't much scarier than the unknown. The I dunno answer opens our brains up to imagine the worst results ever. And our brain are so very good at doing that.

If you like, I could perform a ceremony with each of them and you and you can be bound through marriage.

Echoing the above to talk to them.

If you get nervous about doing that, then write out your feelings in full and what you would want to say. It might help form words when you do talk in person. If you get nervous, bring a script.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Text | ANONYMOUS POST ]

un: 六耳獼猴

[ ANON ]

Re: [ ANON ]

[ ANON ]

Re: [ ANON ]

un:GIVETHANKSTOTHEWORM

[ ANON ]

un:GIVETHANKSTOTHEWORM

[ ANON ]

anon

Re: anon

no subject

no subject

no subject

text; un: cute&savage

no subject

Anon

Re: Anon

Re: Anon

Re: Anon

Re: Anon

UN: Sexington Hardcastle

[ ANON ]

Re: [ ANON ]

Re: [ ANON ]

Re: [ ANON ]

text; un: godofdeath

text; un: Inaban