( text | un: revanche )

[nilhilistic]

Do you think you deserve to be loved?

What makes you worthy of it?

Comments

[nomither]

it sorta goes with what i said at the start
not everyone deserves to keep being loved by someone

like if you love someone, but that love makes you the shittiest person out there
talking about willing to do terrible things because of it
not everyone who loves you is gonna wanna be around you because of it, right?

[nilhilistic]

[ hm. ]

I am not sure. I am objectively terrible. But I have some use, and therefore, people are willing to put up with me.

[nomither]

i mean
same here, mate

[nilhilistic]

How so?

[nomither]

one of my mates got in trouble with the wrong sorta people. he owed them a lot of money and i saw them cart him off and i didn't even fucking hesitate.

chased after them and beat the shit outta every single one of them. and the boss tells me that my mate's debt is forgiven if i do work for him. basically the same shit that his people were doing to my mate.

and i didn't even fucking hesitate again.

[nilhilistic]

[ hm. yeah. perpetuating a cycle can be considered terrible. ]

And your mate?

[nomither]

he stayed by my side
one of the few that did though

[ david isn't going to say that most people ditched him before he became a bookie's hired muscle because he was already an asshole ]

[nilhilistic]

Then you must have no regrets.

But I see your point.

[nomither]

oh i've got a lotta regrets
but that ain't one of them

[nilhilistic]

Of course not. That makes sense.

[nomither]

call me curious though, but what made you ask these questions in the first place?

[nilhilistic]

This place is about encouraging feelings.

As for myself, I considered them moot. They are not relevant to my life and to my duty.

[nomither]

ah yeah

did you never have them before? or just never let yourself feel them?

[nilhilistic]

It is more complicated than that, but to put it simply, in order to survive, I had to pretend to be someone else.

Thus, none of my feelings or friendships were my own but a ploy in order to keep living.

Once it ended, so did everything else.

[nomither]

oh that's fucking shit

[ succinct ]

so they all left you when you stopped pretending?

[nilhilistic]

They did not leave me. But I was not the person who was their friend.

Those bonds became meaningless.