ellipsanet | [Video; UN: fourseasons]

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[Video; UN: fourseasons]

[He starts the feed with a laugh, a low chuckle that sounds...tired.]

Is that really considered entertainment? [The Hot or Not post is the cause of this mood.] I'll tell you this: if you are a good person who tries to help others and doesn't purposefully cause pain, you're beautiful. What you look like doesn't matter.

[So there. Learn something from a Master.]

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My Lao Wen did. He is the reason I'm alive.

[ He sobers, gaze a little distant. ]

I would do the same if I could. For my Daozhangs.

I know you would. [And that's why Xue Yang is always welcome.] I was ready to spend what time I had left with him and he surprised me.

It's...horrible. To live without the person who's become your everything. I can't do that again.

It's unbearable. [Zishu had thought he was severed from Kexing when he removed his nails.] I can't blame him for looking for a way and sacrificing himself.

[ His laugh is a little...broken now but he has the presence of mind to switch this to a more private feed. ]

I tried to do that too. I just failed. I tried for ten years and was only told there wasn't enough left of him. That he didn't want to come back. I wanted to die, and...Daozhang Zichen gave me that release. I welcomed it. I was ready.

Then I came...here. And A-Chen was alive!

Xue Yang. [Zishu sighs sadly at the tale; his heart hurts for everyone involved.] Even dying, your love didn't change. I think that tells you and him that it is very real.

I'm glad he can hear you again. Dying is easy; living is difficult.

I didn't think he could love me back until we came here. Now...I still don't know how he can, but I have figured out that he does. And that it's real. I'll do anything to protect him. And Zichen if he comes back.

[ He forces himself to take a breath and try to calm the worse of the ache in his heart. ]

You're right. Living is damned hard. But...it can be nice too.

Let them protect you too. Your heart is no less valuable than theirs. [He isn't fond of how Xue Yang seems to classify himself.] Do you think yourself lesser than them?

You're not.

They do.

[ He flushes at Zishu's vehemence. ]

I'm...I've always been nothing. Until my A-Chen. I was always just someone's tool and waited to be tossed aside and picked up by the next damned asshole who wanted power but didn't want to get their hands dirty.

It's different with my Daozhangs. I feel different. I'm starting to like myself.

I have no doubt of that. [They are good men; of course they treat their lover like a human.]

I like you too. Sometimes we need a reason to go out of our comfort zone: to see ourselves in a better light. If he is your reason, be proud of yourself for taking that step. Those that use us don't deserve us.

[ Warmth settles over him. Clearly he's doing something right! ]

Mm! I am! They've also helped teach me to calm down when I'm angry. The meditating helps, I was never really taught before.

I didn't care who used me, just as long as I got what I wanted. I just didn't realize what mattered most until I lost them. I won't forget that and risk repeating that mistake.

Sometimes we have to learn the hard way. [And then those lessons are never forgotten.]

Have you ever thought about taking out your anger as an animal? Go deep into the forest and just...vent.

I did. I have. [ And no, he's never forgotten those lessons. ]

Eh? As an animal? No...

[ But that sounds...wonderful and freeing. ]

I did too. [He is better for it. Zishu grins.]

Give it a try. I wouldn't recommend it as a weasel. Try something bigger.

[ Xue Yang laughs, startled by that suggestion. ]

I haven't tried any of the smaller forms yet. Only a wolf, reindeer, and owl so far. I will!

My first form was a weasel. It's fun being so small, but dangerous too.

[Though it does make him laugh to scream in weasel. It sounds ridiculous.]

[ He snickers, grinning with open delight. ]

You must be cute as a weasel!

Maybe I'll show you when you come to visit. [Xue Yang can play with a quick little friend~]

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