ellipsanet | [Video; UN: fourseasons]

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[Video; UN: fourseasons]

[He starts the feed with a laugh, a low chuckle that sounds...tired.]

Is that really considered entertainment? [The Hot or Not post is the cause of this mood.] I'll tell you this: if you are a good person who tries to help others and doesn't purposefully cause pain, you're beautiful. What you look like doesn't matter.

[So there. Learn something from a Master.]

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[ He takes a moment to think, because honestly...anything, everything that his A-Chen wants to teach him is precious. But there's one that has him ducking his head a little shyly, peeking at Zishu. ]

That...I don't have to act out for him to spend time with me.

[He waits patiently, doing his best to hide a small, affectionate smile. Xue Yang reminds him of some of his younger brothers too.]

He loves you. All you have to do is call for him and he will hurry to your side.

[ This is still new to him! He's not used to even being liked, much less loved! He beams at hearing someone else state Xingchen loves him. ]

He does! He also knows when I'm upset and comes looking for me.

You have a good bond. [Zishu can't help but support it.] If you ever need a place to go, you're welcome with Lao Wen and I.

Mm. We do. [ Somehow! He still marvels at it, no matter how hard he tries to be worthy of Xiao Xingchen's love and loyalty, he knows far too well how horrible a person he's been. But he's trying. And that seems to be enough.

He stares at that offer, then flushes in amazement. ]

...Do I have to need a place to go just to visit you?

[Without attempts, how can success be achieved? Xue Yang's trying speaks volumes and Zishu doesn't need another reason to help the man progress. He is certainly in no position to judge him!]

Of course not. Come over whenever you like.

[ He watches Zishu intently for a moment, head tilted. Then smiles with a little chuckle, gaze lowering. ]

You might regret that~

[Zishu arches a brow. A challenge? He loves challenges.]

I doubt it. If we don't want you inside, you won't get inside.

[ He grins and looks back at Zishu. Now that is definitely a challenge! But...one he thinks he might...pass on. Out of respect and an attempt to be a good...friend? ]

That's good. I'm glad you two have a safe place.

[Somewhere Xiao Xingchen is very proud! Zishu grins at the sweet response. Oh he likes this one.]

We would be ashamed if we couldn't protect our home. What did we become immortals for?

[ Xiao Xingchen should make his pride known~

Xue Yang snickers. ]

Each other, I'm sure! Which is as it should be.

[Oh he will. Zishu snorts and nods.]

We're proud martial artists, my friend.

[ He laughs. ]

That just means you succeeded!

My Lao Wen did. He is the reason I'm alive.

[ He sobers, gaze a little distant. ]

I would do the same if I could. For my Daozhangs.

I know you would. [And that's why Xue Yang is always welcome.] I was ready to spend what time I had left with him and he surprised me.

It's...horrible. To live without the person who's become your everything. I can't do that again.

It's unbearable. [Zishu had thought he was severed from Kexing when he removed his nails.] I can't blame him for looking for a way and sacrificing himself.

[ His laugh is a little...broken now but he has the presence of mind to switch this to a more private feed. ]

I tried to do that too. I just failed. I tried for ten years and was only told there wasn't enough left of him. That he didn't want to come back. I wanted to die, and...Daozhang Zichen gave me that release. I welcomed it. I was ready.

Then I came...here. And A-Chen was alive!

Xue Yang. [Zishu sighs sadly at the tale; his heart hurts for everyone involved.] Even dying, your love didn't change. I think that tells you and him that it is very real.

I'm glad he can hear you again. Dying is easy; living is difficult.

I didn't think he could love me back until we came here. Now...I still don't know how he can, but I have figured out that he does. And that it's real. I'll do anything to protect him. And Zichen if he comes back.

[ He forces himself to take a breath and try to calm the worse of the ache in his heart. ]

You're right. Living is damned hard. But...it can be nice too.

Let them protect you too. Your heart is no less valuable than theirs. [He isn't fond of how Xue Yang seems to classify himself.] Do you think yourself lesser than them?

You're not.

They do.

[ He flushes at Zishu's vehemence. ]

I'm...I've always been nothing. Until my A-Chen. I was always just someone's tool and waited to be tossed aside and picked up by the next damned asshole who wanted power but didn't want to get their hands dirty.

It's different with my Daozhangs. I feel different. I'm starting to like myself.

I have no doubt of that. [They are good men; of course they treat their lover like a human.]

I like you too. Sometimes we need a reason to go out of our comfort zone: to see ourselves in a better light. If he is your reason, be proud of yourself for taking that step. Those that use us don't deserve us.

[ Warmth settles over him. Clearly he's doing something right! ]

Mm! I am! They've also helped teach me to calm down when I'm angry. The meditating helps, I was never really taught before.

I didn't care who used me, just as long as I got what I wanted. I just didn't realize what mattered most until I lost them. I won't forget that and risk repeating that mistake.

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