ellipsanet | ( text | un: revanche )

[ And Haji isn't here, and yet it somehow still does matter. But then maybe the fact that he's dead and Nel isn't is the kicker. Who can say? ]

I respect those around me enough to let them make that choice for themselves. If they say they love me then I try my best to be be worthy of it, even if my best doesn't feel like much, even if it feels like I never will be worthy. The trying seems to matter.

But how do you make yourself worthy?

If I had an answer I'd have done it by now. But if I had to guess why someone who loves me believes I'm worthy of it...

I am honest with them as much as I can be. I ask what they need or want and I offer those things to them even if they might not reciprocate. I don't push them away "for their own good" or my own comfort, not anymore, because I have no right to decide for them what's best for them.

I can't say I do those things very well all the time, but again, the trying matters. When I mess up, I apologize and I mean it.

I can't say whether that makes me worthy, but it makes them feel happy and safe and I value that more.

I suppose that is a better way of framing it.

Everything's relative when it comes to emotions, after all. This doesn't mean I'm right, it's just what I can most live with.

I wrestle with it a lot, actually. Am I worth all the efforts being made to stave off my Long Sleep?
I don't think so, but they apparently do. If my trying makes this even a miniscule amount easier for them then how could I do any less?

I don't have anyone else to consider.

[ maybe alear and veyle. alfred, but even then . . . it's generous for him to consider his importance there. ]

But I'd think you could have others to consider if you'd let them in.

Easier said than done, I know. It's possible, is all.

Perhaps. I will have to reflect on it.

No one can ask more from you than that.

[ There's a short pause. ]

There was someone I didn't let in, once. For a very long time. I was convinced it would only make everything worse, I didn't deserve it, I had a duty, there were a lot of reasons. And then suddenly he was gone, forever.

All my reasons for keeping him away don't comfort me one bit.

There isn't anyone like that.

So you said. My point is that not having anyone like that doesn't seem to have made you very happy. It might be worth trying something else. At least you have very little to lose.

If it turns out that, after trying the alternative, being solitary is better for you, then it's better for you.

. . . I am alive. That means I must live my life. And that means contending with these things.

Life is just that way, whether fortunately or not.

What a pain.

Tell me about it. A lot of things would be easier if all this were more clear cut.

It certainly makes my life harder.

Well, that's the bad news.

The good news is that a whole lot of others have faced these challenges too. I daresay most of us. So there's a potential camaraderie there if nothing else.

I suppose there is that.

I still haven't decided if I want anything to do with . . . feelings.

That's okay. Take your time.

While you're deciding and whatever you decide, I'll do what I can to support you.

[ ugh, kindness. but fine. ]

Thank you.

[ Look man you can't claim to be shocked by this point ]

You're welcome.

My cure attempt is in a week or so. Any chance you'd want to go flying again before that?
It might be my last chance for a few decades.

I would not mind.

Good, I'm glad. Pick one of the natural sites you've found and we'll go see it. It'll be a nice memory for however long I have left to remember it.

You don't have to make it sound so dire.

How exactly should I make it sound?

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